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A Programmer's Short Guide to Newborns
By John Fitzgibbon, July 15, 2006
 There's no manual. You wouldn't read it anyway.
Nothing can prepare you for the sleep deprivation. Regularly pulling all-nighters to meet deadlines doesn't compare. Trust me.
"Breast or Bottle?" is a bit like "Linux or Windows?":- Lots of people on both sides, all with very strong opinions. At the end of the day, both sides get the job done, all without bringing about the End Of Life As We Know It.
99.99% of system malfunctions are covered by: A) Wet/Poopy, B) Hungry, C) Tired or D) Pain, (roughly in ascending order of "difficulty to deal with").
Don't eliminate A) or B) just because of recent Change/Feed. These are easy, try them first.
C) is not always as obvious as you might think. "Frantic Activity" + "Bawling" sometimes == "Tired". Go figure. Fixing this problem usually involves some baby-specific procedure that can only be arrived at through trial and error: something like standing on one leg with baby balanced between the other knee and your elbow while humming Rachmaninoff and using a hair dryer to blow warm air on baby's butt, all the while flushing the toilet and running the faucets. This is where you really wish you had that manual.
D) is not usually that common, but don't rule it out if you've tried all the rest. You'll probably find that your Pediatrician deals with dumb questions from newbie users better than you would. They won't flame you, shame you or dismiss you with a curt "RTFM", (there is no FM).
Remember that baby doesn't know (yet) that you're a geek. Revel in the captive audience as you explain why [Insert Name of Lame Programming Language Here] is totally bogus when compared with [Insert Name of Less Lame Programming Language Here].
Two week olds are not Bored. Three months, maybe; two weeks, never -- not even if you're explaining Perl's regular expression syntax.
Expect poor performance and usability issues, because, as with most complex systems, babies start off "buggy". Despite this, almost everybody will lie about how good/calm/sweet their baby is/was. The few who don't will become your new best friends.
Parenting websites suck. Pink stuff, cursive fonts, too many words. Don't bother.
Did I mention sleep deprivation?
Despite it all, I'm loving every minute of it...
Fitz.
2010-03-12 08:00hr:
SECURITY: Q&A: Google hacking @linuxtoday
And thank you for the penguins @linuxtoday
Stephen Timms defends 50p landline duty @vnunet
Global campaign seeks to crush web censorship @vnunet
Many users find social sites 'inaccessible' @vnunet
HSBC admits to understating data theft @vnunet
Twitter turns on geo-location feature @vnunet
Top 10 articles, 12 March 2010 @vnunet
2010-03-12 07:00hr:
Unix Tip: Sed & Awk -- Still friendly after all these years @linuxtoday
A Modest Proposal for Toyota: Release the Code! @linuxtoday
HDTV reveals brainy octopus has no personality @newscientist
Darpa Looks to Tap Nature’s Quantum Effects @wired
Super Stealth Plane Breaks Through the Cost Barrier @wired
the need for speed @wired
another tipping point @wired
With More Than Enough Apps, Apple Pushes for Quality @wired
iPad and Accessories Available for Pre-Order @wired
Dork Tower Friday @wired
SXSW: First Look at American: The Bill Hicks Story @wired
south by @wired
2010-03-12 06:00hr:
HP Elite 7000 Microtower review @linuxtoday
GP-GPUs: OpenCL Is Ready For The Heavy Lifting @linuxtoday
England has failed with dangerous, disturbed offenders @newscientist
Mercedes Builds A Car To Protect Us From Ourselves @wired
Fingers-On with Streetfighter IV for iPhone @wired
Great Geek Debates: Plants vs. Zombies @wired
What If You Can’t Say You Can’t Play? @wired
2010-03-12 05:00hr:
Deferrable functions, kernel tasklets, and work queues @linuxtoday
Simon Phipps elected as OSI director @linuxtoday
Gloomy octopus is 'moody' octopus @newscientist
Report suggests multi-tasking ahead for iPhone @vnunet
Symantec reports surge in phishing attacks @vnunet
Apple issues Safari security update @vnunet
Mozilla releases latest Thunderbird beta @vnunet
Facebook demands Daily Mail names risky social site @vnunet
Businesses warned of new spam threat @vnunet
Leaked Shots Show Sony Mirrorless Touch Camera Interface @wired
Enjoy Some Mental Syrup in Breakfast With Socrates @wired
Free Dinosaur App from The American Museum of Natural History @wired
2010-03-12 04:00hr:
Beginner’s Guide to Git @linuxtoday
Sex.com Heading to the Auction Block @internetnews
Intel, AMD Seen Headed for Lift in Q1 Earnings @internetnews
AMD Planning Netbook Chip for 2011 @internetnews
SpringSource Adds VMware to ... @internetnews
GOP Lawmakers Blast Broadband Stimulus Efforts @internetnews
Apple's Flash Feast Could Crimp SSD Sales @internetnews
Verizon to Have 4G Handsets ... @internetnews
Mariposa Bot Shipped With Vodafone Smartphone @internetnews
Researcher Releases Exploit ... @internetnews
Microsoft-Sponsored CodePlex Moves Ahead @internetnews
Electric cars jostle for position on the power grid @newscientist
Carrier apathy depresses Google Phone outlook @thereg
Upgrade now, thankyouplease @thereg
Cloak Bag: Shoot With the Camera Still Inside @wired
Solar-Powered iPhone Battery Case: Apple Approves @wired
Desperate Efforts to Save Endangered Bats May Fail @wired
2010-03-12 03:00hr:
Day 3 of the Trial, Through the Eyes of Groklaw and the SL Tribune @linuxtoday
With More Than Enough Apps, Apple Pushes for Quality @wired
2010-03-12 02:00hr:
Allaple malware author jailed for online attack @vnunet
2010-03-12 01:00hr:
AMD to Introduce Netbook Chip in 2011 @linuxtoday
2010-03-12 00:00hr:
SXSW: First Look at American: The Bill Hicks Story @wired
2010-03-11 23:00hr:
Ubuntu Enterprise Cloud Deployed on Intel Hardware @linuxtoday
2010-03-11 22:00hr:
Will iPhone OS Finally Support Multitasking? @internetnews
Pass the Camera: Many Directors Shoot 1 Star-Studded Comedy @wired
2010-03-11 21:00hr:
10 ways you might be breaking the law with your computer: UPDATED @linuxtoday
Verizon to Have 4G Handsets in Mid-2011 @internetnews
2010-03-11 20:00hr:
Allaple malware author jailed for online attacks @vnunet
Report points to iPhone multitasking @vnunet
Earthquakes and automobiles dominate spam picture @vnunet
Apple updates Safari browser code @vnunet
Pink Floyd, Flaming Lips Defend Dark Side’s Honor @wired
2010-03-11 19:00hr:
Health Check: Mandriva @linuxtoday
2010-03-11 18:00hr:
Smartphones Will Shake up Paid Content Debate @internetnews
How to Install Debian Linux on an Embedded System @linuxtoday
Business @internetnews
Tech Stocks Rally Ten Years After Topping Out @internetnews
SpringSource Adds VMware to Tomcat @internetnews
Intel, AMD Seen Headed for Lift in Q1 Earnings @internetnews
Is Windows 7 Service Pack Coming in Q4? @internetnews
Twitter Surpasses 70,000 Apps @internetnews
NASA's New Jumbo Jet Keeps Giant Eye on Heavens @wired
Plug and Play: USB Albums We'd Like to See @wired
March 12, 1790: Batteries Now Included @wired
Alt Text: Resurrected Movie Gimmicks of the Future @wired
Resurrected Movie Gimmicks of the Future @wired
alt text @wired
The '70s Photos That Made Us Want to Save Earth @wired
The ’70s Photos That Made Us Want to Save Earth @wired
photo gallery @wired
2010-03-11 17:00hr:
Zeus botnets suffer mighty blow after ISP taken offline @thereg
Jesus Phone to exhibit holy gift of bilocation @thereg
Google, Facebook cop for preposterous patent potshot @thereg
CPU hogAdobe v HTML5 @thereg
Pink Floyd Beats EMI in Creativity Flap @wired
crime @wired
intellectual property @wired
med tech @wired
2010-03-11 16:00hr:
First Fedora 13 Linux Alpha Shows Promise @linuxtoday
How to Create Space Scenes Quickly and Easily in Gimp @linuxtoday
Read More... @internetnews
Researcher Releases Exploit for IE Zero-Day Hole @internetnews
techbiz @wired
Photo: Silent Hill Composer Rocks Out at GDC @wired
February NPD: BioShock 2, Xbox 360 Top the Charts @wired
TJX Hacking Conspirator Gets 4 Years @wired
Pass the Camera: Many Directors Shoot One Star-Studded Comedy @wired
2010-03-11 15:00hr:
Survey of MySQL Storage Engines @linuxtoday
IBM Tops In Customer Privacy: Poll @internetnews
SCALE 8x: Color management for everyone @linuxtoday
Up, Up, and Away @wired
JooJoo Tablet Gets a Makeover Before Launch @wired
politics @wired
Another Mistrial For Hate Blogger @wired
TJX Conspirator Gets 4 Years @wired
Feds: TSA Worker Tried to Sabotage Terror Database @wired
science @wired
You Are a Tamagotchi: Turning Your Health Into a Game @wired
2010-03-11 14:00hr:
LifeLock fined $12 million over lack of life-locking ability @linuxtoday
Virtual Linux @linuxtoday
On Your Mark... @wired
FCC Wants You to Test Your Broadband Speeds @wired
Stantum Slate PC Proves Making Tablets Isn't Easy @wired
Hate Blogger Wins Second Mistrial @wired
2010-03-11 13:00hr:
Why Ad Blocking is devastating to the sites you love @linuxtoday
Digg Dumps MySQL for Cassandra @internetnews
Time For Ubuntu to Fork Evolution @linuxtoday
FCC Mulling Free Broadband ... @internetnews
HSBC Breach Exposes 24,000 ... @internetnews
IDC Says the Cloud Ready for ... @internetnews
Audi Sees Solid Future for EVs @wired
best routes @wired
Super Stealth Plane Breaks Through Cost Barrier @wired
White House: Ask What Game Developers Can Do For Your Country @wired
GDC: Metroid Creator Inspired by Italian Horror Films @wired
Sony's Motion Controller Underwhelms With Janky Games @wired
game developers conference @wired
planet earth @wired
Quantum Computing Thrives on Chaos @wired
2010-03-11 12:00hr:
Motorola to put Bing on Android phones in China @linuxtoday
Selecting an Open Source Operating System @linuxtoday
Khronos Group publishes OpenGL 4.0 specs @vnunet
Kaspersky calls for international internet government @vnunet
Facebook threatens to sue over Daily Mail article @vnunet
Tories promise to 'turbo charge' UK broadband @vnunet
Tory Party launches Technology Manifesto @vnunet
Government panders to music industry in copyright debate @vnunet
high-tech high @wired
Help Us Review Google Maps for Bikes @wired
Motorola's Backflip Will Make You Come Unhinged @wired
Pink Floyd Beats EMI In Creativity Flap @wired
discoveries @wired
2010-03-11 11:00hr:
The Ubuntu One music store and free software for profit @linuxtoday
FCC Mulling Free Broadband Plan, Again @internetnews
Read More... @internetnews
HSBC Breach Exposes 24,000 Clients' Data @internetnews
Bogus Technologies: The Leader in Enterprise Systems, Storage & Networking @linuxtoday
Shoddy construction beats precision in quantum world @newscientist
'Terminator' asteroids could re-form after nuke @newscientist
high tech high @wired
Help Us Review Google Maps For Bikes @wired
Al Franken Jokes, But Google Fiber Is No Laughing Matter @wired
Dell (With a Little Help From Amazon and Google) Takes on iTunes @wired
The FCC Wants You to Test Your Broadband Speeds @wired
Intel Previews New ‘Gulftown’ Six-Core Processor @wired
GDC: Sony’s Motion Controller Underwhelms With Janky Games @wired
Feds: TSA Worker Tried to Sabotage Terror Database @wired
health @wired
Your Chilean Sea Bass Dinner Deprives Killer Whales @wired
Ear Infections Could Cause Long-Term 'Lazy Ear' @wired
2010-03-11 10:00hr:
Why Use GRUB2? Good Question! (part 3) @linuxtoday
Commercial Gaming, Coming Soon to Linux? @linuxtoday
Your partner has herpes – now the good news @newscientist
It’s Not Easy to Make a Tablet, Stantum Slate PC Proves @wired
Arctic Reindeer Go Off the Circadian Clock @wired
2010-03-11 09:00hr:
Mobile that allows bosses to snoop on staff developed @linuxtoday
Home Sec says 17m ID cards in circulation by 2017 @thereg
Nexus One estimates drop 70% @thereg
IDC Says the Cloud Ready for Prime Time @internetnews
Open Source NoSQL Databases Ramp Up @linuxtoday
World's oldest rivers mapped under huge desert dunes @newscientist
Virgin Media tests broadband via telegraph poles @vnunet
Digital Economy Bill may escape Commons scrutiny @vnunet
Paragliding the Himalayas With iPhones @wired
cars @wired
Acorn Filmmaker's Fresh Tapes: Inside HUD @wired
Hands-On with the Crippled Stantum Slate PC @wired
techbiz @wired
law @wired
Ear Infections Could Cause Long-Term ’Lazy Ear’ @wired
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